Difference between revisions of "The Sage's Lectern, Vol 1"

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The Sage's Lectern, Vol 1
File:The Sage's Lectern, Vol 1 (lorebook).png Hint: Found in Monster Loot
Category:	Gods
Area:	???
Visibility:	Hidden Until Found

The Sage's Lectern, Vol 1 is a Lorebook found on deceased monsters.

Content

The Sage's Lectern, Vol 1... Welcome to the first installment of The Sage's Lectern. I'm Reginald the Pretty Good Mage -- formerly known as Reginald the Archmage, but that's a separate topic. Some volumes will be travelogues, while others, such as this one, will be interviews. For this first volume I've arranged something very special: an interview with Ormorek, God of Bitterness!

I should disclose that I paid for this interview, and it was not cheap: Ormorek would only give an interview if I agreed to replace the roof of his favorite bar. When I agreed to this price, I did not realize the roof was made of one incredibly thick piece of stone. Since it is in New Aufghel's historical district, the bar's appearance could not be changed, so I needed to have a new roof delivered. Needless to say it cost quite a bit of money. But I'm sure I'll eventually make the millions of Councils back on the long-tail sales of this epic interview! (That's a writer's joke.) So without further ado:

Interview with Ormorek

I entered the bar and took the stairs to the upper floor. The Bloated Pony looks like a typical dwarven neighborhood bar but it's located in the business district, pretty far from any homes. The regulars range from businessdwarves and moneylenders to simple cleaners and mechanists -- all the people who work in the area. To my human eyes it looks like a collection of dwarven stereotypes.

Ormorek sat at the bar, his very short beard the only thing that distinguished him from a dozen other gnarled old dwarves. A bouncer stood nearby, always watching. Ormorek does not like tourists, fans, lookie-loos, or frankly anyone at all. But he seemed well-liked by the regulars here. I sat down at the bar next to him in a spot he'd kept open for me.

Ormorek: you're back. So you've agreed to my price?

Reginald: yes... I suppose so. Assuming this interview has some revealing pieces of knowledge, you've got a deal.

Ormorek: Good. I owe Wilker a favor, and you're delivering it. If we don't get a new roof soon, the safety fines will put this place out of business. (Here I looked up at the ceiling in concern.) Oh, don't be a twat. This roof could last for years to come, but it's not earthquake-proof anymore. Unless there's an earthquake, you'll be fine. So go ahead, let's get this over with. Wilker, pour him a beer.

(Wilker One-Tooth, the bartender and owner, poured me a tall glass of the only beer on tap. I found it incredibly bitter and alcoholic.)

Reginald: Wow... that's bitter. And after the first sip hits you, the aftertaste is a whole new kind of bitter!

Ormorek: It's why I drink here.

Reginald: Okay. So my first question is, how did you go from being God of Dwarves to --

Ormorek: -- no questions about how I ended up the god of shite! Have some respect!

Reginald: Oh. Uh. (I leafed through my notes. Most of my questions were about that very topic.) Well, can you give me the scoop on other gods?

(Ormorek sighed, nodded, and downed his beer.)

Reginald: Tell me about Harukita. He's the leader of the Chalice Gods, right? Can you give me some insights on him?

Ormorek: He's a dick. He wants to literally destroy this entire world. What else is there to know?

Reginald: He's the god of Hate, but I've heard he can be friendly at times. I guess I just don't understand him.

Ormorek: He's never fucking friendly! It's you daft humans spreading that idiocy! Just because a god says hello and doesn't smite you dead, that doesn't mean he's your friend!

Reginald: Well, I mean Necromancers of all races have been known to --

Ormorek: He's a dick sandwich. Next question.

Reginald: How about his brother Kajich?

Ormorek: Another dick. (Ormorek sighed again, collected his thoughts, and signaled for another beer.) Look. This goes for Harukita and Kajich both: if a god's avatar is a skeleton, he's a dick! Why ya think they look like that? They're screamin' "Hey, I'm a huge twat! You should stay away from me!" And before you ask, the third brother's a dick too. But ... not quite as bad, I guess.

Reginald: You're referring to Tuvillus? He's interesting because of his dual nature: his Jealousy aspect is an incredibly beautiful elven man, and his Greed aspect is this huge, bloated...

Ormorek: Those are just his two Avatars. He's got two different-lookin' physical bodies but it's the same arsehole inside each of 'em!

Reginald: Fair enough. You said Tuvillus isn't quite as bad as his brothers. Can you help me understand why?

Ormorek: He and Ilth Hale at least take care of their... their creations.

Reginald: You mean vampires.

Ormorek: Among other things. Look, I don't want to talk about Chalice anymore. What else you got?

Reginald: Um... Hm. (That wiped out the rest of my prepared questions.) Look, I just need a scoop! Something new, something mortals don't know yet. What can you share with my readers?

Ormorek: A scoop? Life is stupid, and you should give up. There, that's all the wisdom mortals need. This was a dumb idea. Just get outta here.

Reginald: But our deal...

Ormorek: Deal's off!

(The bartender tried to interject.)

Wilker: But I can't stay open even another month! We need to start the repairs...

Ormorek: I don't care. Not doin' this. Get the fuck outta here, human! Go! I can still smite people, ya know!

(The bouncer was behind me in an instant, her meaty hands on my shoulders. I sighed and let myself be escorted out. But as I was leaving, an old dwarf caught my eye and nodded cryptically. I waited outside the bar, and sure enough, after a few minutes he stepped out. As I soon learned, his name was Rulgirt.)

Rulgirt: You are a terrible interviewer. You still want that "scoop" of knowledge?

Reginald: Yes.

Rulgirt: If I get you a scoopful, will you honor your deal with Ormorek?

Reginald: Okay. Sure. If it's new knowledge worth printing, I'll pay for the bar repairs.

Rulgirt: Then take this. Stay up til midnight, then drink it. Be lyin' down when you do, you'll be asleep fast. You want to find me in your dreams, right?

Reginald: Um, what?

Rulgirt: Say yes.

Reginald: Yes?

Rulgirt: I want to find you, too. So it's a pact, then, human. I'll see you tonight.

(Rulgirt nodded curtly, then shuffled back into the bar, leaving me with a vial of blue liquid.)

Stay tuned for the next issue, in which I actually get my scoop!

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